Monday, June 17, 2013

307 American “Holidays”: June Edition

For Americans, nothing is too unimportant to celebrate with a day, week, or even month!  Want to encourage awareness of sauntering?  June 19th is yours!  Do you passionately wish to share your abiding love of clay with others?  Have a whole week.  But why settle for a day or week when you can dedicate an entire month to the refreshing wonders of iced tea?  Americans take less holidays than almost any nation on earth, yet we clutter the calendar with an astounding number of questionable celebrations.  We found 307 “holidays” on record for the Month of June alone.  We spared you 304 of them.  You’re welcome.

World Sauntering Day
Origin:  Michigan
Since:  1970s
Holiday Fun Rating:  3 Cases of Appendicitis

Despite producing both Watergate and disco, the most scandalous creation of the 1970s was World Sauntering Day.  It is a day dedicated to encouraging all of us to walk slowly, and with a joyful disposition.  Tell that to someone trying to cross the Abuja Ring Road on foot!

Worse yet, the people of Michigan weren’t satisfied with just forcing this nonsensical celebration on Americans.  No, this ‘holiday’ was thrust upon an unsuspecting world, implying that citizens the world over should submit to the demands of Michiganites and saunter their day away.  Bullocks, we say!

National Clay Week
Origin:  Ohio
Since:  1940s
Holiday Fun Rating: 5 Root Canals

Fact:  The Kaolin group of clay is used to make Kaopectate (anti-diarrhea medicine in the U.S.)  Fact:  Bentonite clay was first discovered in the U.S. State of Wyoming.  Fact:  Three of you just went blind from boredom while reading this.

We now thank the Midwest of the United States for saddling us with not one, but seven whole days dedicated to the wonders of clay.  Yes, clay, as in that stuff you think your mom probably bought you once when you were going through an “art phase,” and you are also sure has fossilized in a closet somewhere, next to your graveyard of an ant farm and that clown doll whose eyes you swear move when you aren’t looking.

Sources indicate that National Clay Week evolved from a day-long celebration in Ohio into its current week-long monstrosity.  Scientists differ in their opinions of what sparked this evolution, but there is consensus in the community that celebrating clay week is physiologically equivalent to getting a root canal performed every day.  And what do dentists use to take molds of your teeth?  Clay.

Iced Tea Month
Origin:  Unknown
Since:  Unknown
Holiday Fun Rating: 2 Deaths of Favorite Pet

Steeped in mystery, the origins of this month-long celebration of the glories of cold tea beverages are unknown.  However, we will dispense with formality and venture a guess that it went something like this:

Random American:  “Sir, I will abide this no longer.  The wonder of iced tea will be recognized with its own decade.”

Czar of Holidays:  “Excuse me, but there is a data error on your holiday registration form.  You checked ‘month,’ not ‘decade.’  Changing this categorization will require additional fees and a few months processing time.”

American:  “Can I at least have August?”

Czar: “No.  We’ll give you November.”

American:  “January?”

Czar: “Split the difference, June.”

American:  “Deal.”
And just like that, dear readers, history was made.  No matter what or how you choose to celebrate, raise a glass to the start of summer.

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